the beauty of self reflection. For so long I was terrified to look back on my life deeply, not reflecting on missed wonderful memories. Rather the whole, the painful ignorance that I existed in time and time again. It is only after I began to live, that I would see my life, and the world from a higher place and not only achieve acceptance, but appreciate the then and now that much more. This reflection came from waking up from a mild nightmare. I've been here before, and in the past I would shake it off, not acknowledge and go thru the day drainded. Repressing the experience. Today, i did the opposite, and the though uncomfortable in the process of it, I feel healed and energetic to start the day. This is the reflection...

Give it a space. The negative thoughts, emotions that arise and cause one discomfort. Do not resist, do not deny yourself this experience. When it rises, let it go thru you. It will wrestle you to the point that you begin to feel it physically. But know this discomfort is temporary. It will pass. Its nature is that of a wild animal that is acting out. So tame it, create a vast space for it to graze and it will settle down. And the restlessness will become stillness. It will be satisfied and go about on its way. Do not provoke, do not fight, do not deny. For then it will transform into your worst enemy. Repression and aggression. It will hide, only to reappear running amock in chaos. It will go deeper into the hidden self, and it will find others that have been treated in the same manner. The cattle has now become a herd. This is a lethal pattern that drifts one away from one's truest nature, more and more. Deeper and deeper. The person becomes nothing more than the avoidance they practice. The avoidance of themselves, covered in layers of external material endeavors and acquirements. And when these layers are removed, whether its a title, a membership, a relationship, etc. the person finds themselves at that beginnng point of this reflection. In a place of pain, but with opportunity.  Opportunity to find understanding and harmony with that part of themselves that seems so frightening in concept. This is the leap. And when taking the leap, one sees that it wasn't so difficult. But its the thinking of doing so the brings confusion. Its like building one's dreamhouse on quicksand. Fertilize the land with rich soil at the roots first, then build the house in one's image. The roots into the earth are love and compassion for one's self. The compassion is the result of awareness, recognition of one's true nature. This recognition is having an understanding of the mind. Understanding the mind to live with it, not be lived by it. This is our ultimate responsibility to ourselves. This is our highest achievement. For when, if one achieves anything outside of this, but exists in a state where they are lived by their mind, how can one say with clarity that they achieved anything at all?  As the saying from the bible says, what good is the man that gains the world but loses his soul? External, material endeavors/achievement before internal, spiritual ones. The cart before the horse. This unfortunately is the seemingly convention, the state of culture that many of us exist in. But it is always in our power, to take responsibility for ourselves and truly live a life of actual happiness, inner contentment, true liberation and autonomy. To live our lives, not be lived by them.self portrait 12, charcoal/white chalk on toned paper, (2003)