the recipe of struggle and victory
Teaching at art college, it has been an experience of inspiration to meet so many young minds and witness evolution and transformation. I find myself more and more meeting such an array of talented individuals with such rich life stories that are works of progress. One such is Cougan. He seemingly lives at the school. Anytime I arrive he is there, when I leave he is there, when I take a break outside... he is there. His heart is open, and I have given complete presence to it. In an earlier writing, I reflected on what a difference a day can make. In this reflection, it being the end of another school semester, the reflection is on Cougan and how much I have witnessed him commit so fully and go thru such intensity thru his devotion to the development of his art practice... in a single semester. Congrats comrade for the rewards at the end of this short, but intense ride. It is only the beginning. This reflection is inspired by you...
"Approaching an aspect of life with determination, with devotion. And in this pursuit a recipe of sorts can be drawn between struggle and victory. And in the struggle bleeds doubt, frustration, and ultimately depression. And it boils to a peak where there seems no alternative but to let go. Like holding onto a diamond that at it's center exists a burning coal, the pain of holding onto it's deceiving illusionary nature is more painful than letting go. And in doing so one experiences a liberation. A notion of fearlessness ensues and the struggle is transformed into a game of creative meditative fun and play. The lost diamond is re-discovered, but this time there is no hot coal at it's core. Rather it is empty. For the difference now is that one sees the empty nature of devotion outside one's self and has turned the pursuit inwardly. No longer is the focus the result. Rather the process is experienced. And by default, the richness experienced in the nowness of the process becomes evident given life in the result. And sometimes this miracle extends itself from merely a personal experience to one celebrated, nurtured by the universe. The world acknowledges this personal achievement and rewards it's creator. This is what is called having your cake and eating it too. This is victory."
the sun and the moon...
reflecting on the wisdom of the world... that even if the situation of the world may be of a dis-satisfactory state to put it mildly, that there is basic goodness within all of us and the world itself. I created this today at the San Francisco Public Main Library today. And if you have never been, let me just say it is a refuge for souls of samsara. Inside and outside the building. It only made sense to state such a reflection... enjoy
let the sun of awareness that we find eclipsed by the moon of forgetfulness, rise and shine thru with its luminostic rays of joy, compassion, and wisdom. Cover the entire earth of our being, giving life to all that it's light shines on. In this light, recognize the basic goodness of ourselves, the phenomenal world, and our existence in it. Let us live in this light of true liberation, free from the self created suffering of the mind and let us live the richest lives available in every passing moment, non-distracted and fully being in the here and now. Let us like the sun itself, live in nature as nature, harmonious with all things in the universe.
letter to Daniel...
In reflecting on the nature of suffering, the nature of love... human relationships came into question. Some of them I would withdrawal from, some existing would deepen, and new ones would manifest. The basic criteria is to surround myself with people that love and care for me and to avoid those that do not. Daniel Hill is a recent friend of mine that I created a piece for in the manner of expressing gratitude for. His care, his love, his friendship. Thank you Daniel. Looking forward to many years to come. Love...
Daniel, Thank you. You are a blessing that has appeared in my life at a point of major transformation. With transformation from old to new, typically comes an overall state of discomfort. Your compassion helped make the pain tolerable as if taking an aspirin for the aching heart. Your sacred space at home is a refuge of well-being that you shared with me providing a space to heal, where I did so with fresh cut wounds. Your openness, gentleness, presence, and non-judgement provided a space for my heart to be fully open. Your indirect spiritual guidance has opened up a world for which I have been searching for so long, but wasn't sure how to approach. You have been the mediator, the spiritual ambassador that has manifested in this recent bardos where I find myself daily coming to deeper realization of myself, of the universe. Our relationship will always be born from this embryo of ineffable experience that has me deeply grateful to you. These are merely words to express such, but perhaps I can provide the same experience so you can know directly the depths of my loving heart when reflecting on you. -Love Aki
the process was one of transmuation, just like the concept of the piece itself....
Such a simple piece, but to complete it was such an adventure... For an upcoming themed group show being flowers at ModernEden Gallery in San Francisco, I had a clear idea of what I was going to work with. I wanted to do piece exploring 'presence, nowness, the moment' in the process of executing a painting. Working as a professional artist with deadlines, its easy to fall into a place of result orientation, where the process itself is almost a hinderance so as to get to the next piece to complete it. Art becomes a job in this way. Myself, I am always prioritizing the integrity, the spiritual nature of it. So the process began with this idea, and continued with myself walking to the flower shop,
interacting with the florist, taking a flower to the studio and painting it in a luxurious kimono. The point of the kimono was that I would be disciplined to be intensely present while painting or else a distracted mind would lead to the distress of having stains of any sort on my kimono. I began the painting and took a short break, falling asleep for an hour on the side. I would awake to the flower (a rose), losing its shape completely being hung on the wall horizontally. The deadline was only in a few days, and painting in oil I began to feel the distress arise where it would be difficult to paint a flower from life in this manner. I could of course roll with the punches, painting the de-evolution of the flowers shape, but that is not the concept I intended. So I would sleep on it, and put the project in the bag and approach it the way I had not wanted to. It seemed the only practical solution. To paint in a quick drying medium from a photo printed from the internet. I had wanted to explore the lotus flower and its symbolism, so that became the subject. Keep it simple. Or so I thought. Being more of recent practice in the development, creation, execution of my art, though time is declining quickly towards the deadline I didn't want to compromise to the extent of just sitting in the studio as the world goes by, muscling a painting of a lotus. I wanted to integrate life into the process itself. So before going further, the symbolism of the flower itself in Eastern Culture is one of transcendence, or transmutation. The lotus grows from the mud, thru the water, and eventually rises above both to grow into the sky. It is symbolic of ones spiritual inclination from a grounded ego self. That being said, I would start the day by going to Yoga class. After class, as has been common recently, the instructor though I do not know her at all other than by name, would open up to the nature of her recent situation of suffering and her practice of finding resolution/awakening thru it. Right after class, I would go across the street to the civic center and approach a group of meditators in session. I noticed from recent research that their hands were in the lotus mudra,
and they were seated in the full lotus posture. Any doubts to paint something else today had left my mind. The universe was signaling. I wanted pointers on guided mediation, and they pointed me to Jason, the teacher.
He didn't answer my questions, and told me to follow his movements. In my mind I was thinking why is this guy teaching me Tai Chi as I copied his movements. The next thing I know as I look over my shoulder the rest of the students are doing it as well. I am suddenly in a Tai Chi class. An hour later I would find out the practice is Fulan Gong. From there I would go to the ocean for a swim, all of this before noon. Lol. I would meet a fellow guest swimmer from Portland. He was training for a twenty mile swim at Catalina, and wanted to confront his physical, mental abilities. After I would come across fellow navigator Christopher Jernberg who had experienced enlightenment for the second time in his life. We had a session sitting on swings at Make Hang Gallery where I listened keenly as he described his realization of attachment as the cause of all suffering, and the nature of true reality and contentment. I had absorbed his glow and left north beach to go to school. I came across a student Gabriella who I had only met a week earlier, and as I described the failure of my initial project she noted with laughter that that had the art itself. The discovery, experience of impermanence in the creation of a piece of art where there was nothing captured (the flower dying) for the nature of it perhaps can not be truly captured. Only an echo of it. As i'm writing this Beethoven's moonlight sonata happens to be on. She was right, but that wont sound acceptable to Kim and Brad at the gallery when I walk in today and have no physical piece to show, only a description of it. I go downstairs and come across Victor who is a former student, now friend/artist comrade and he is educating me on Astral Projection. My take on it is that it is an experience of transcendence. A mental/physical one. I finally begin the painting, and it fails. Perhaps exhaustion from all I have described in participating in in one day, but I think it is deeper as will be described. Suddenly frustrated, and now feeling stressed again, I catch the bus to another district to meet with friend Chris Conroy and new friend Choishin to have a drink at the cafe.
I take art supplies and head for the destination. Only a few blocks away, I go into the FoodCo. grocery store to use the restroom. I see a tall buddha like man dressed in the purple robe. I look at the clock, I have 45 minutes till I am to meet my friends a few minutes away so I approach him.. "What is the nature of mind?", I ask him. He bows, to me hands clasped in prayer and begins. We talk for an hour in the center of the store! I end up leaving with a dharma talk on affinity. Wow. Lol. I get to the cafe, apologize for being late and re-begin the painting. Abbot Alfred, the monk, helped empty my mind of distraction. Not feeling the need to get a beer to put me into that space to do what needs to be done (complete the painting!), I order the hulk smoothie. It has spinach, banana, protein and other stuff. Apologetically not being the best company, I paint while my friends talk about the cosmos, existentialism and other inspiring meaningful things. It was like live radio. The best background noise that could exist for me to paint in the situation. We go to the Thai Restaurant and I continue to paint, but the harmony is broken for I become self conscious of painting a Lotus flower in a thai restaurant. I don't know if the association is a logical one, but I put the piece away and would go home, sleep, and continue the next day (today). I take the piece to my art with elders class early morning, but I become involved in the priority of working with the elders so I have little time to paint the lotus.
After class, I call up friend Audi who lives literally across the street if I can use his apartment to finish the piece. 
He says yes, and as I leave one residence to the next I call up friend, spiritual guru Laurence to get the correct traditional symbolic understanding of the lotus before I misinterpret using my own poetry. He lays it down, and I make it to Audis where before I have a chance to write, we find ourselves in a conversation about the worlds suffering and our relation with it. I immediately empty from all of this, and write the poem. It writes itself and I incorporate it into the piece with red marker. I get lost in the painting itself till it is completed and make my way to the frame shop, and now the gallery. What is the point of all of this? haha. Richness. Living. Love. The process for this piece is all of these deeply. The result may not necessarily encompass this in its simplicity, but this integrity. Having devotion to what is important, even if know one else will see it. A deeper, detailed reflection on the process...
sentient being
So much time spent just to end up where we first began. As children, unconditionally experiencing the world. Exploring, laughing, crying, excited by it all. Our eyes were so big so as to see the trees, the clouds, the grass, the sky for the first time. Words of spontaneity left our mouths to express the phenomenal world of our experience. We were sentient beings with complete openness, unaware of any opinion of the world. There was no distortion of reality, only the unfolding of reality itself. The world around us celebrated us for our shining nature, for it had drifted away from its own long ago. And to be in the presence of little children, with awareness, to perhaps find it within ourselves that which we search for with aggression and disappointment outside ourselves with each years passing, forgetful that this primordial nature had never left us, but only lay dormant. I experienced it thru you little one, smiling inside as I watched you jumping on the bed, swinging your arms in celebration, making uncoordinated sounds of happiness from your wide open tiny mouth as only infants can do. In all irony, it is you from the teacher from which I should be studying. For you naturally breathe the human experience of freshness, of contentment.